Dear Fast Acting Kool Glu Company,
    Hello.  My name is Joy B_________ and I have been a loyal customer since second grade.  Your product has been very useful to me in my many school projects and with personal problems at home.  I used Kool Glu to put together my fourth grade science fair project.  I made a volcano.  I also used your product when I accidentally broke my mother's two thousand dollar Ming vase.  The incident involved a baseball bat.  Don't ask.  I even used your product when I accidentally broke my retainer in half.  Coincidentally, this incident also involved a baseball bat.  Unfortunately, I didn't let the glue sit long enough and I was unable to remove my retainer from my mouth for about four days until I could find a tube of Fast Acting Kool Glu Remover.  I also don't think it was in my best judgement to use your product in my mouth.  But other than that, I am a happy customer and have had no other problems.  Until now...
    I was driving home from my local 7-11 (I had a craving for a Kit Kat bar and some Slim Jims) when I came to a red light.  As soon as I hit the brakes my compass slid off of my dashboard.  Annoyed, I quickly placed it back on my dashboard.  When I came to another red light the darn thing slid off once again.  Frustrated, I reached over to my glove compartment and pulled my trusty tube of Kool Glu out and I preceded to super glue the compass to my dashboard.  I was interrupted by honking and when I looked up, I saw that the light had apparently turned green.  I hurried my task and was content with my accomplishment by the time I hit the gas pedal once again.
    When I got home, I attempted to put my car in park but was surprised to find out that I couldn't let go of the steering wheel.  It seems that I had inadvertently smeared glue on my hands and had glued myself to the steering wheel of my car.  I couldn't even turn my car off.  I sat in my car for what seemed like days until, finally, it ran out of gas and I decided that it was time to do something.  After quite a bit of pondering, I managed to chew my way through my steering wheel and seat belt, break through my windshield and shimmy myself into my upstairs bathroom window (which, I accidentally left unlocked).
    The steering wheel is still attached to my hands.  I have been so embarrassed that I have not yet left my house for a couple weeks.  I have run out of food and I have run out of soap.  Please, I beg of you, please, if you would send me a bottle of Fast Acting Kool Glu Remover, I would greatly appreciate it.  And, if you don't mind, I have run out of soap and the smell of body odor is starting to bother me.  If you could send m a bar of Ivory too?  And maybe some bread?  Or perhaps a Kit Kat bar and some Slim Jims?  In my haste, I left my bag of goodies in my car.  I had peered out of a second story window of my house last Thursday, and saw a couple of the local street hoodlums strip my car and take my food.  Damn street kids anyway.
    I am having some difficulty, for I am using my nose to type this on my old typewriter, so please excuse any misspellings.  Your help is greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
Joy B___________



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SPECIAL DELIVERY

Joy B__________
1234 First Street
Seattle, WA 98765


Fast Acting Kool Glu Company
1234 Warner Blvd
Burbank, CA 98765


Dear Consumer,
    Thank you for your interest in Fast Acting Kool Glu.  Sorry for the inconvenience and delay in our response.  Here are the materials that you have requested.  We have included a bottle of Fast ActingKool Glu Remover, a bar of Ivory (original scented) soap, a Kit Kat bar, three sticks of Slim Jims (smoked), and a loaf of French bread courtesy of the best bakery in Burbank.  We hope that you will find these products in the best quality.  Also included are a few other materials which you may find useful.  Good Luck!

Sincerely,
Roger Thompson




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Dear Roger,
    Hello again.  I would like to thank you for your generosity.  All of the items were greatly appreciated.  I ripped open the package (with my teeth) when it arrived at my door.  The UPS man looked at me as if I was a freak but I could care less.  If he had gone one to two weeks without a shower or some decent food he would have done the same thing.  But, anyway, I was ecstatic when I saw what was in the package; bread, soap, deodorant, this letter, a Kit Kat bar, SlimJims, and a Fast Acting Kool Glu T-shirt!  I love the shirt.  In fact, I am wearing it right now.  But, most important of all, I was grinning from ear to ear as soon as I saw the bottle of Fast ActingKool Glu Remover.
    Unfortunately, I am unhappy to say that i have found myself in yet another predicament.  I remove the steering wheel from my hand fine.  Although, the bottle ofGlu Remover was quite small and I have to use it all.  But I have to admit, I was a bit messy when I glued the steering wheel back in its rightful place; in my car.  Even though there wasn't much left of my car.  Damn street kids anyway.  Apparently, I had accidentally smeared some glue on the empty bottle of removal and when i put my head down to rest...well...  But to make matters worse.  I accidentally glued the tube of Kool Glu to my left hand!  So can you imagine?  Here I am in a Kool Glu T-shirt with a t tube of Kool Glu attached to my left hand and a bottle of Kool Glu Remover on my forehead.  I am once again embarrassed to leave my house.
    Please, I am begging you.  Would you be so kind as to send me another care package?  I haven been trapped in my house for three days.  I didn't get a chance to get groceries so the food that you had sent me is long gone.  I am debating on eating the rest of the soap and deodorant.  Please help.  I promise that this will not happen again.

Waiting anxiously,
Joy B__________




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SPECIAL DELIVERY

Joy B__________
1234 First Street
Seattle, WA 98765


Fast Acting Kool Glu Company
1234 Warner Blvd
Burbank, CA 98765


Dear Consumer,
    Thank you for your interest in Fast Acting Kool Glu.  Sorry for the inconvenience and delay in our response.  Run the problem areas under hot water for thirty minutes at a time and let it dry for an hour.  Repeat process for approximately five days.  If this doesn't solve your problem, change your shirt and go back to 7-11.  I have enclosed a box of Hot Pockets for your enjoyment.  Thank you for your business.  Our consumers mean a lot to us.

Sincerely,
Roger Thompson